


i'm cold as the wind blows (so hold me in your arms)

by drowninginmyworries



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: AKA the Leather Jacket Fic TM, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, B99 Fall 2019 Fic Exchange, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jake's Leather Jacket, Recovery, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2020-12-20 19:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21061772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drowninginmyworries/pseuds/drowninginmyworries
Summary: There’s something about how defeated he looks that’s troubling her. His eyes keep shifting to the floor, and there’s a forlorn quality in his voice that makes her think there’s something deeper afflicting him.orJake comes back from undercover. Only he's not the same.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SwirlsOfBlueJay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwirlsOfBlueJay/gifts).

> Hi, @SwirlsOfBlueJay! I'm your writer for the B99 2019 Fall Fic Exchange!
> 
> Okay, so after picking the prompt, this fic developed a life of its own, and it quickly turned into the most ambitious thing I've ever attempted to write. For a minute, I toyed with not posting until the entire fic was completed, but I didn't want to leave you without anything on the day fics were due. I know this is might be a little different than what you expected, but I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Also, thank you so much to my amazing beta and even better friend @Fielding. You helped out so much with this, whether it was just hearing me scream about this concept in your DMs or helping me when I felt like I was at a dead end, you were always there. And I love you for it. You're the best! 
> 
> Written for the prompt 'Jake/Amy autumn chill.' Title from Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran.

Jake’s hair is fluffier. 

It sticks up everywhere, and even the tiniest draft from an open window is enough to make it all mussed up. For a second, Amy’s caught up in how infuriatingly cute he looks.

Then she sees the bags under his eyes and senses the exhaustion underneath all his bravado, and it takes everything she has not to just _ go to him_. 

His leather jacket hangs more loosely from his frame even with his hoodie underneath; she’s not sure why that detail is so jarring.

“Undercover highlights: fixed a boxing match, smoked a whole cigar without vomiting, was once in a room with ten guys named Sal, and missed you asdsll so very much. Everyone back to work!” he crows, a smile that’s not quite familiar stretching across his face. 

The squad lets out a series of whoops, and Gina playfully shoves his arm as Sarge pulls him into a half-hug. Then their eyes meet, and he quickly sidesteps Boyle before approaching her. 

“So, didn’t get a chance to say hi,” he starts.

“Hi,” she says back, and now that he’s closer she can see the ghost of some stubble still lingering on his jaw. 

“Hi,” he parrots, his smile uncharacteristically meek. 

_ I waited for you. I missed you so much. Do you still feel the same? _

“Can we talk in private for a sec?” he asks, wringing his hands together. 

She nods, a little quickly. “Okay.”

She trails him to the evidence lockup, taking a deep breath to try and make her head stop spinning as they go inside. 

“So, now that we’re alone I have to ask,” he begins, and for a second her heart rears like a wild stallion in her chest, “did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?”

Amy exhales, grinning so hard her cheeks hurt. 

“I should’ve told you immediately. Perp name hall of fame, right?”

The weariness in his expression immediately melts away, and they launch back into their banter like it’s been six minutes, not six months. He laughs, and she wants to record the sound and play it on a loop because she didn’t hear it for one-hundred-eighty-three days. 

She never forgot what it sounded like, but her memories could never live up to the real thing. 

The conversation comes to a natural stop, and then his eyes flash with anxiety. Suddenly she’s taken six months back, all the way to _ romantic stylez, _ and she needs him to know that she broke up with Teddy, that she waited for him, that not a day went by where he wasn’t at the forefront of her mind. 

“Jake, Teddy and I - ’’

“Hey Jake!” Charles calls, and the door flies open. 

They both jump back reflexively as Charles trips his way in, stutter-stepping to stand by Jake. 

“Jake! I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you! I - ’’ 

Charles finally catches her eyes, his own widening. “Oh, sorry, did I interrupt something?”

Jake smiles, only a thin line across his face and looks over at Amy, raising his eyebrows. 

“Oh, uh, it’s fine, Charles. I’ll tell you later, Jake,” she says, words heavy on her tongue. 

Jake nods, swallowing thickly. “Okay, cool. Cool. Glad you caught Uterus,” he says, before beckoning Charles and heading towards the door.

Right before they leave the room, when he must think she’s not looking, his whole face falls, and her heart sinks all the way to her feet. 

~~~

Jake’s cheery for all of the first five minutes of his surprise party. After Captain Holt finishes his speech and Jake gets his first drink in him, his mood takes a sharp turn downward. 

Now he’s poorly trying to conceal his misery, head in his hands as his elbows rest on the bar. 

He has two new cuts on his face, prominent against his pale skin. With a chill, she wonders where they came from, and the extent of any other injuries he might’ve sustained in their six months apart. 

He’s been lamenting about Maliardi getting away and also glancing at Amy when he thinks she doesn’t notice. She wants to just grab him by the hand and take him somewhere private so she can set the record straight, but Charles has an arm around him, and even Rosa’s put off by his downtrodden attitude, trying to goad him into playing darts with her. 

He muffles a groan into his arm and rests his head on the table, and Gina sighs dramatically. 

“God, I didn’t think you were going to be so annoying when you got back,” she says, raising her phone and snapping a photo of him. 

“I didn’t know the operation was going to be a failure,” he shoots back, sitting up. 

Right now he’s the antithesis of what he normally is, and Amy hates it. It’s not out of the ordinary for Jake to be put out after a case didn’t go the way he planned, but there’s something about how defeated he looks that’s troubling her. His eyes keep shifting to the floor, and there’s a forlorn quality in his voice that makes her think there’s something deeper afflicting him.

“Chill, man. You got fifteen out of sixteen guys. That’s way better than how most people would do. I don’t think any of us could’ve brought them all down,” Rosa points out in a rare concession of Jake’s talent. 

“What you did is amazing, Jake. You should be really proud,” Amy can’t help but interject, and her praise makes his face soften just a little bit. 

“I know,” he grumbles, crossing his arms across his chest, and if he wasn’t so genuinely upset right now, it’d be adorable. “Just sucks, is all.”

“You know what’s worse than not catching all the bad guys?” Gina asks. “Fucking listening to Amy’s ex go on and on and _ on _about pilsners every time we would come over here. But that passed, and so shall your woes about the mission.” 

Gina finishes with a flourish, and Jake’s head snaps towards her, immediately catching Amy’s eyes. 

“Amy’s ex?” he asks, and the hope he fails to stifle in his voice makes her stomach flip. 

“Yeah,” Rosa elects to ignore him as she answers, monotone. “She broke up with him a while back. Now we don’t have to pretend to be interested in anything he does.” 

Terry snorts. “You and Gina never pretended anyway!”

Gina’s lips curl into a wry grin. “That’s because we have a low tolerance for bullshit.” 

Jake shifts his head as he nods at Gina so he can make eye contact with Amy, his eyes alight with hope but also wariness, like he’s still uncertain about something. 

Minutely, Amy nods and flashes him her own gentle smile, trying to silently and subtly convey everything she wants to say. 

There’s nothing between them anymore - no undercover ops, no old exes showing up, no inner emotional discourse to fog up the facts. 

Her nod is a confirmation - a promise of what’s now imminent. 

Then his lips smush together and the sides of his mouth quirk up as he struggles to suppress what’s no doubt a gigantic grin, and she’s sure she’s mirroring his gleeful expression. 

They’re broken out of it when Rosa knocks her arm into Jake’s, startling him as he brings his attention back to her. 

“What’s got you all smiley?” she asks. 

“You’re right. Fifteen out of sixteen guys isn’t so bad.” 

It’s a poor excuse, and Amy’s sure everyone sitting with him sees right through it, but she’s too happy to care.

~~~

“Hi,” he starts again, walking over as soon as the last member of their squad has left the bar. 

They’d both lingered as everyone else filed out, hyper aware of the other’s presence. They struggled keeping their gazes averted for the rest of the night while they waited to speak. 

The waiting is over, now, though. This is it. 

“Hi,” she replies, smiling as soon as he gets close to her. “You enjoy your party?”

Jake nods, and they’re drawn to each other like magnets, stepping into each other’s space without any hesitance. 

She’s filled with the desire to fling her arms around him and spill all the embarrassingly sweet things she’s been thinking about him for the last six months, but he’d tease her for the rest of her life if she did it out of nowhere. 

Amy doesn’t care, not really, but she does have _ some _dignity left. 

She vaguely recalls a lecture at cop con a few years ago about why electrostatic attractions were so important in certain police weaponry, and she can’t help but think that’s what they’ve resembled this whole time they’ve danced around one another. Opposite forces driven closer and closer together, but flying back once their contact is too close. 

All they need is one final push, a catalyst to get them together at last. 

“You know I always love any reason to celebrate the gloriousness that is me,” Jake says, eyes crinkling up again with glee as she rolls her own.

“Some things don’t change. It’s good to know the mob didn’t break down your ego,” she answers, voice light and happy. 

With the subtlest movement, his eyes shift. Anybody else wouldn’t have caught it, but even after being apart for six months, she’s still hyper aware of his mannerisms. Even his slightest expressions don’t escape her notice. For the briefest of moments, he completely tenses up before relaxing, inhaling before shooting her a haughty grin. 

“Even the most notorious crime family in New York is no match for Jake Peralta.” 

Amy could easily make a jab at him about how the cuts on his face and his earlier dejection betray such a statement, but instead she just smiles dazedly at him, part giddy and part exhausted from the day’s events.

His face softens, and his eyebrows raise a bit. 

“Are you tired? Need a ride home?” he asks, lifting a hand to rest it on her forearm. 

Amy _ is _tired, but she’s never felt more awake, especially as she shifts her wrist to brush her fingers against his jacket. 

She shakes her head, not breaking eye contact. 

“Walk me to my car, though?”

~~~

They walk in silence for a while, waiting for some kind of cue from the other. Their hands are tantalizingly close, their shoulders brushing together as they walk far too close to one another. 

The mild temperature of the morning had given way to far chillier evening. A biting fall wind chill blows unforgivingly, making tree branches rattle and sending orange leaves scattering all over the ground. 

It’s so cold the blazer she’s wearing is absolutely not cutting it when it comes to shielding her from the cold, and she absently crosses her arms across her chest for warmth. 

Jake’s excitedly elaborating on the fixed boxing match he’d mentioned earlier when an unforgivingly cold gust of wind blows, making her teeth chatter loudly. 

“Amy?” 

“I-I’m okay, it’s just a little breeze and - ’’

Then, quicker than she’s ever seen him do it, he shrugs out of his leather jacket. He places it over her shoulders with care, a small smile on his face. 

His jacket is warm and solid over her body. It makes her think of his hugs, always so warm and comforting. It fits a little big over her shoulders, completely covering her body even before she pushes her arms through the too-long sleeves. 

Before she can say anything to him, the wind surges again and she instinctively tugs the jackter tighter around her. 

They react like reciprocals, and she steps forward the instant Jake reaches for her. His arms envelope her into a warm embrace so snug that if she hadn’t been dying to feel his arms around her for so long she would’ve been uncomfortable. He rubs his hands up and down her arms quickly, trying to make her warmer, and her heart swells a little bit at his efforts. 

“You’re always cold, Santiago. See what I have to do for you?” he chides, but his voice takes on a peculiar quality that she doesn’t quite recognize, and it has her stomach fluttering. 

Amy pulls back to look at him, expecting his face to be light and teasing like always. It’s not, though. He looks disarmingly sweet, his mouth curved up in a tiny smile that does nothing to suppress the affection in his gaze. 

A catalyst. 

She tip-toes at the same time he leans down, and their lips collide with a soft noise that makes her heart quicken. Slowly, she reaches up to cup his cheek with one hand, and he tugs her closer to him as his arms wrap around her shoulders.

He lets out a little sigh against her lips, and she loses all sense of time, completely absorbed in finally, _ finally _ feeling him like this. 

When they pull away, his eyes are bright, lips kiss-swollen, and he’s beaming so brightly she’s sure she could pick him out on the darkest of nights.

“I’m happy you’re home,” Amy murmurs, resting her head on his chest. His heart is beating a mile a minute, strong and steady beneath her cheek.

“Yeah,” he says, grinning back. “Me, too.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Amy easily dive into their new relationship, but something's not quite right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for brief descriptions of blood and gore at a crime scene starting at the fourth break in text.

The next morning, the first thing Amy registers is that it’s light outside. Rays of sun seep in through the bedroom window, shining over her eyes and making her face scrunch up as she awakens. 

That should be alarming in and of itself because she’s _ always _ awake before the sun rises; sleeping in is something she simply _ does not do _. 

Then, as she shifts to reach for her alarm clock, she bumps into something, or rather, _ someone _in her bed, and the entire night comes rushing back to her. 

Jake lets out a low chuckle from behind her as he pulls her closer to him, resting his head on her shoulder. 

“Good morning. Nice of you to finally join me,” he teases, breath tickling the back of her neck.

“Were you just watching me sleep all morning?” she mutters, trying to sound grumpy, but there’s no hiding her amusement, especially from him. 

“Yeah, kind of,” Jake answers, doing nothing to conceal the smile stretching across his face.

“Creep.” 

Amy snuggles back into him despite her words, curling further into his side until she feels a thick lump press into her thigh. Pulling back from him to move the sheets out of the way, she furrows her eyebrows when she finds his leather jacket. 

“What’s this doing here?” she asks, not making any move to toss it over the side of the bed along with the rest of their clothes. 

“You really don’t remember? I don’t think you let it get too far from you all night.”

To be honest, remembering any detail other than how well they fit together last night was difficult. They’d stumbled through the door, laughing between kisses before he darted down the hallway towards her bedroom, daring her to meet him there. 

She’d given chase and tackled him onto her bed, both of them laughing so hard their stomachs started hurting until she gave him a bruising kiss.

Then, the atmosphere changed. Their giddiness turned to passion and excitement to endearment, the floodgate of emotional release finally opening as he’d pulled her to him. Every touch was laced with care and adoration as they’d explored one another, heat building between them with every kiss until so much feeling overwhelmed them both. 

If she concentrates harder though, she can remember him pushing his jacket over her shoulders. A small, amused smile had appeared on his face when he’d noticed her cling onto it before it fell to the floor, clutching it even as he kissed down her throat and began to take off the rest of her clothes. 

Now, in the early morning sunlight, Jake kisses her quickly, taking her out of her thoughts as she flushes. 

“Listen,” he starts, mischief in his eyes, “I’m not trying to kink shame here, but if I had known all you wanted from me was my jacket then - ’’

Just like always, she gets tired of his inability to stop talking. 

This time though, she has a new, _ much more fun _ way to make him be quiet. 

~~~

Jake’s still spontaneous and childish and overall just _ ridiculous _ , but Amy finds that being with him like this, _ romantic stylez _, is nowhere near the disaster she’s sure their coworkers would think it is. 

He’s her home base - a rock to lean on and a shelter to weather the storms that come with life and their line of work. He’s kind and gentle-hearted and far more thoughtful than he’s ever let on, waiting for her after the rare long shifts she doesn’t share with him with her favorite takeout, his well-worn jacket, and a smile on his face. 

She always knew he was one of the best people in her life, even if she would’ve died before telling him, but she never realized just how deep his innate goodness ran. 

How foolish of her. 

They haven’t spent a single night apart since he came back from being undercover - something she normally would’ve deemed completely ridiculous and needy. There’s something about Jake that has her abandoning all her old rules though, and every time they should be parting ways for the night, she finds herself asking if he wants to go back to her apartment. 

Breaking her own rule is worth it for the way his face lights up every time she asks him, and being so happy and secure when they’re together makes it even harder to stay away from him. 

Really, Amy should be sick of him by now. Two weeks of being in anyone else’s constant presence would have driven her nuts; they work together, sleep together, and eat most of their meals together, but she’s reveling in every moment. They send each other secret looks at work and make games out of who has the best poker face while they play footsie under the table.

She wins most of the time, and it infuriates him. 

(If she’s feeling risky enough, she lets her touches linger over his shoulders, chest, and hands when she knows they’re alone. It drives him crazy knowing he can’t act on what he wants to do. She feels a little bad for him, but she’d be lying if she told herself she didn’t love riling him up at work to reap the benefits at home.)

They don’t tell the squad. It’s not like they’re keeping it from them on purpose or anything. If they were to find out, Gina would undoubtedly be making comments all the time, and Rosa would tease them, and Charles would probably squeal every time they made eye contact. 

While it’s just them, they can stay in their own little bubble of sweetness and new familiarity without letting anyone else bother them for a while. All they have to worry about is each other, and she much prefers it this way for now. 

Jake even manages to convince her to keep Captain Holt out of the loop a bit longer, but only after promising to be the big spoon that night.

As much sunshine as Jake emits, Amy occasionally feels like something’s changed. 

He’s always, _ always _tired. Sometimes he looks at nothing for a little too long, or he’ll go and recheck if the doors are locked when he thinks she’s asleep even though he already did it right before bed. 

They work a homicide together after he’s cleared for active duty again, and he stares at the body for a beat longer than he would’ve before, stiff as a board. Then, as if he’s shocked into action, he springs forward, keeping his eyes anywhere but her face as he throws himself into an analysis of the scene with a manic energy about him. 

The change happens so swiftly she almost questions if she even saw it. 

Almost. 

~~~

“Are you okay?” Amy finally asks later that night, fingers tapping against his arm. 

They’re curled up watching Property Brothers, just like every other night they spend together. She’s slotted against his chest, squishing him against the back of the couch while he has her locked in his arms, fingers absent-mindedly tracing over her skin. 

Only she knows for sure now that something’s up.

His grip on her is infinitesimally tighter, his fingers pressing snugly into the sides of her torso in a touch that could be misconstrued as sensual but she really knows is just out of some kind of nervous energy. 

Jake looks down at her, nodding, but he only meets her eyes for a second. 

“Yeah, why?”

He starts to rub his fingers against her sides in a poor attempt at distracting her, but she covers his hands with her own before turning to face him. 

“You looked kind of spooked at the crime scene earlier. Are you sure you’re okay?” she repeats, keeping her tone soft and nonthreatening.

“Yeah, yeah. The body was just… kind of gnarly.” 

It’s a horrible cover, even for him. The victim had been poisoned and seized to death. There had been no bodily fluids in sight.

She shifts her body to get a better look at his face, settling on top of him. The bags under his eyes are getting more pronounced, and he wouldn’t be able to hide the exhaustion weighing him down if he tried. 

She knows he’s been going to departmentally mandated therapy sessions since his return from undercover, and that he was cleared for field work again relatively quickly, but she can’t help but feel something’s not right. 

“Ames, I’m fine,” he says, offering her a small smile. 

Then, a draft cuts through the room -- the window with a faulty latch in the kitchen the most likely culprit -- and she shivers, shrinking in on herself. 

“C’mere, you’re cold,” he mutters, stretching forward with one hand to grab her and pull her back to him. 

His reaches for his jacket laying across the couch with his other hand, pulling it down and draping it over her body.

Jake’s warmth settles over her like the coziest blanket, his hands tracing nonsensical patterns across her back as he leans forward so their foreheads are touching. 

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” she mumbles, and he shoots her a tiny grin. 

“Is it working?” 

Jake moves closer, pressing their lips together when she doesn’t pull away. He deepens the kiss, body relaxing fully underneath her as she starts to thread her fingers through his hair. He lets out a soft sigh when she moves away to trail kisses down the side of his jaw, closing his eyes and pressing up into her more. 

Amy indulges him, showering him with affection she knows he’s been starving for after his time undercover. Even if he’s not okay all the time, she knows he is right now while he’s with her. 

That won’t change - not as long as she’s around. 

~~~

The next week, they’re called into a disturbing crime scene where the victim was shot at point-blank range in the face. He was barely legal. 

She sucks in a troubled breath when Captain Holt assigns her and Jake to the case after the briefing. When she turns her head to try and read Jake’s reaction, he’s reclined in his chair, crowing out that the case was dope while Rosa reprimands him. 

“A dude died, Jake. Horribly,” Rosa deadpans. 

“Yeah, but now we get to kick some ass and bring the man -- or woman, I’m a feminist -- who did this to justice!” 

Amy’s a little confused by his overenthusiastic attitude, given that after the last homicide they investigated he’d been quiet at home for a few days. 

(The fact that she’s now considering her apartment _ home _for both of them is another conversation -- one that makes her stomach knot up pleasantly, but she’s not going to linger on that when his demeanor is off.) 

“Maintain your professionalism, Peralta,” Captain Holt says sternly from the podium. “This is a sensitive case. I won’t hesitate to take you off it if you falter.” 

“I’m a sensitive guy, Captain,” Jake replies, grinning impishly. “Ask anybody. Right, Amy?”

He looks at her expectantly, and she shakes her head, a little taken off guard as she shoots him a small glare.

“Leave me out of this,” she says as his smile widens. 

“I mean it, Detective. Watch yourself,” Holt warns before picking up his binder and going back to his office. 

Jake’s gaze follows the captain as he walks out of the room. Then, he turns to the squad, biting his lower lip as he grins. 

“I think he kind of gives off Darth Vader vibes when he does that. Is it just me?” 

Terry shakes his head in exasperation as Charles high-fives Jake, but all she can dwell on is that something isn’t right. 

He’s overcompensating with his eagerness, slapping it like a band-aid over his real feelings. It’s not unlike him to be a little joking about cases - everyone needs a way to deal with what they see on the job, and that’s his. He’s usually not so flippant though, especially given the nature of this case in particular. 

The victim was clearly exploited, probably due to emerging gang-related activity, and she’s certain more bodies of young men are going to turn up unless they can find the murderers and use them to track the gang leaders. If her theory is correct, they’ll be racing the clock to keep more people from dying. 

The squad begins to disband, but Jake lingers. Charles does too, though, completely oblivious to Jake trying to close the conversation and send him on his way. 

It takes almost ten minutes for Charles to leave, but not before giving Jake a none-too-subtle look in Amy’s direction and pumping his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Oh, thank god,” Jake mutters as Charles finally makes his exit.

“What was all that about?” Amy asks, amused. 

Jake rolls his eyes, but he can’t keep himself from giving her a fond look now that they’re alone. 

“He thinks that I should just stop being a chicken and ask you out already.”

“Hmm, I think I agree,” she says, taking a step closer to him as his eyes widen. “I don’t recall you asking me out,” she teases.

“Yeah, that’s because my mouth was a little busy doing something else,” he murmurs in a voice low enough to make her stomach flip.

He tries to lean closer to her, but she pushes his head away with a firm look as he grins. 

Amy snaps herself out of it; she was here to check on his well being, not flirt with him. 

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay to work this case?” she asks, glancing at the door to make sure it’s closed before touching her hand to his. 

He raises an eyebrow at the change in conversation, but then he curls his fingers around hers, squeezing lightly as his mouth turns up a little. 

“I’m okay. I swear.” 

Amy frowns, unconvinced, and he brings his other hand up to stick out his pinky. 

“All right, all right, I _ pinky _swear! See how serious I am?” 

He’s looking at her earnestly, eyes flitting to their entwined fingers and then back to hers with their usual lightness. It’s a look that she hasn’t seen inside the precinct walls since before he left. 

Finally breaking down with a small smile, Amy wraps her little finger around his. 

Even with his impassioned gesture, there’s still something in the pit of her stomach that won’t go away. 

But it’s easy to forget when he’s looking at her like she hung the moon. 

~~~

The scent is the first thing she comprehends. 

The overpowering metallic odor of blood hits her like a train, and she gags a little bit before she even enters the room. 

Amy’s stomach lurches just thinking about what could be behind the door, and her eyes flit over to Jake a little worriedly as he grimaces as he takes in the scent.

Steeling herself for the worst, she walks in first, swallowing thickly when she sees the blood spattered across the wall and floor. It’s nothing compared to the body, though, making for one of the more gruesome images she’s ever seen in her time as a cop. 

She’d like to think that she’s built up a lot of emotional fortitude from her years on the force between the countless disturbing things she’s seen, but when the victim is young enough to be her son, she struggles to choke back the lump in her throat. 

Jake steps in behind her, and she steels herself for his reaction, watching him closely while trying not to be too obvious about it. 

He coughs a little at first, probably because of the smell, before he sets his mouth into a hard line. He stiffens, just a little bit, but he sets his shoulders and takes a shuddery breath through his mouth.

Finally, he frowns deeply, his eyes totally devoid of all the playfulness they held at the morning briefing.

“This guy was eighteen, right?” he asks, turning to Amy.

She nods, a little distractedly as she searches his face for any signs of trouble. All she finds is fierce determination in his eyes and affliction for the victim in the way his lips turn downwards. 

Jake sighs and shakes his head before crossing the room to examine some evidence markers. He’s appropriately serious as he talks to a witness and tosses around theories with her, evidently sobered by the tense atmosphere of the crime scene. 

She is, too. She’s no stranger to seeing upsetting things, but no matter how often she witnesses them, she’s never truly desensitized. 

The victim was shot in the face with a caliber weapon strong enough to leave bits of skull and brain tissue littered on the wall and ceiling, and the face is grotesquely disfigured from the force of the bullet. It’s a sight she usually only sees in her nightmares. 

She can’t let it get to her, though. Not right now, at least, when she needs her entire mind to be focused on the task at hand, and not how she’ll probably be seeing the victim’s body in her dreams for the next few weeks. 

When Jake catches her eyes, he lifts an eyebrow in silent question, and she nods at him in reassurance. 

Once they’re walking back to the car though, he knocks his shoulder into hers and makes a joke so dumb it makes her laugh, and everything dark in the world fades away. She’s taken back to simpler times before he went undercover, before the mild crush she had on him developed into something far greater and more powerful than she ever could have anticipated. 

“Are you okay?” she asks later, when he’s driving them back home, and his eyes roll fondly.

“Yes _ mom, _I’m okay,” he answers. 

His voice is a little thin, but then he gives her a small smile, and his eyes dance when they meet hers. She can’t help the exhale of relief she lets out as the shadows of his former self begin to return.

_ Maybe he just needed time to adjust, _ she thinks. _ He’s fine _.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I grappled a lot with editing this chapter once the format of this story changed from one shot to multi-chap, but I'm happy with how it turned out. As always, major, major thank you to my beta, Fielding/vernonfielding, for helping me with this. It wouldn't be possible without you! The next chapter is already written and will be up soon. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. Feedback and comments are lifeblood, and I appreciate all of them! 
> 
> I'm @fezzle on tumblr. Come say hi, if you want!


	3. Chapter Three

“Do you want to go out for lunch today?” 

Amy lifts her head from the forms she’s filling out, smiling slightly at Jake’s adorably hopeful face across from her. 

“Why?” she asks, grin broadening at Jake’s bewildered expression. 

“What do you mean ‘ _ why?’”  _ he hisses. “You know why.”

Amy purses her lips, flipping the page over and putting her pen back to the paper. “I really don't. Why don’t we just eat lunch here like always?” 

She looks up through her eyelashes, suppressing a giggle as he stares at her, unimpressed. Then, his face softens a little.

“Because I miss you.”

She quirks an eyebrow, a little incredulous. “I’ve spent almost every night this week with you!”

Her eyes widen when she realizes what she just said, and her head snaps back as her eyes flit around the room, grateful when she doesn’t see anyone in earshot. 

Her gaze returns to his face, and he juts out his lower lip. It’s unreasonably endearing, and if she’s being honest with herself, she’d probably do anything he asks as long as he’s wearing that puppy-like expression. 

“Please?” he asks, his voice a pitch higher, and she narrows her eyes. 

“Fine.”

His face lights up with unbridled glee, grinning so wide that all of his teeth are showing. 

“So, Sal’s?” he says casually. 

Amy rolls her eyes, grabbing her coat from where it’s slung over her chair. 

“Oh, no way. If you’re dragging me -”

“I am  _ not  _ dragging you!”

“If you’re dragging me out of here, we’re going to that new Ehtiopian place around the corner.”

Jake groans exaggeratedly. “You have no taste, Ames. None! How am I supposed to date someone with no taste?”

“Shut up,” she hisses, eyes darting around the room again. “Someone will hear you, and then we’ll never hear the end of it.”

Instead of taking her words seriously, his eyes sparkle, and he knocks his shoulder into hers as they head to the elevator. 

She shakes her head, partly annoyed and partly (thoroughly) charmed as she presses the button to go down and waits. 

Amy jumps back like she’s been burned when the door opens to reveal Rosa, whose eyebrows knit together curiously. 

“Where are you guys headed?” she asks.

Amy considers her limited options. She could say they’re going to a crime scene, but that could backfire spectacularly if Rosa brings it up in front of any of the others. Alternatively, she could be vague about it, but that’s practically an invitation for speculation, especially if Rosa were to mention it to Gina or Charles. 

Going out for lunch alone with Jake is completely out of the ordinary, but if she’s casual about it, maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

Jake’s looking at her, almost desperately, so before he gets a chance to open his mouth and butcher it she speaks up. 

“Just going out for lunch,” she says, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. “You know, the way we always do.”

Rosa lifts an eyebrow. “You never leave here for lunch, let alone with him.” 

“We totally have before,” Jake interrupts. “You just never noticed.”

“Unlikely,” Rosa deadpans. “Where are you headed?”

“That Ethiopian place that just opened around the corner, Red Sea. I’ve been dying to try it,” Amy says, a little too enthusiastic.

“Dope. I’ll come, too.” 

Rosa strides off to grab her jacket, and Jake’s face breaks in disappointment. It’s honestly a little bit funny, only she’s sure a similar expression is etched across her face.

“Way to go, Amy.”

“You wouldn’t have fared much better!” she whispers harshly, but then she sees the amusement dancing in his eyes and loosens up a little, expression softening. 

“I mean, there’s always tonight, right?” he asks, almost shyly. 

“Yeah,” she agrees, lowering her voice as Rosa approaches again. “Tonight.”

~~~

Jake still looks a little put out the entire walk to Red Sea, but when Rosa questions it, he blames it on the fact that they’re not going to Sal’s. It’s perfectly on brand for him, so Rosa doesn’t question it, snorting when he whines about it while Amy makes a comment about how it’s time to  _ culture _ him. 

Her stomach grumbles and mouth practically waters when they finally get their menus, but right as she opens it, the static of Rosa’s radio sounds out. 

“10-20, robbery in progress. Suspect is not armed.” 

Then, the location crackles through the speakers, and all of their eyes widen. 

“That’s around the corner,” Rosa says, already standing up and slinging her jacket over her shoulders. “Come on, we need to move.”

“Last one to the perp’s a sucker!” Jake yells, nearly knocking his chair over as he dashes out the door. 

By the time Amy and Rosa get outside, Jake’s already almost halfway up the block, and faintly, Amy sees a tall figure turn into a narrow street, Jake hot in pursuit. 

“I’ll catch up with Jake. You go around,” Amy says, and Rosa nods, quickly breaking out into a sprint to meet them from the other side of the block. 

Quickly, Amy launches herself after Jake and the perp. If there’s anything she’s learned from being partnered with him for years, it’s that Jake may have her beat in brute strength, but she absolutely has the edge on him in pure speed. 

With rapid, steady strides, Amy flies after them, the wind whipping past her, knocking hair loose from her bun that she’d so meticulously made that morning. Adrenaline pumping through her veins, she pays no mind to the civilians ducking out of her way as she gains speed. 

Skidding as she gets to the corner, she turns sharply, ankles nearly giving out beneath her, but she grits her teeth and drives forward even as her brand-new heeled boots dig painfully into the backs of her ankles. She’s gaining on them, so she doesn’t relent, spurred on by the imminent possibility of a new collar. 

Then, as they turn onto another street, Rosa dashes toward them with fire in her eyes, and their perp falters as he realizes he’s as good as caught. But he pushes on anyway, racing into an adjacent parking lot just as the three are about to converge on him. 

“You can run,” Jake shouts after him, voice booming, “but justice is always going to catch up!” 

They advance on him quickly as he reaches the end of the lot, gripping at the chain-link fence in front of him futilely. 

“NYPD, turn around, hands up!” Amy warns, training her gun on him. 

The perp doesn’t move, shoulders rising and falling more steadily as his breathing evens out. Slowly, he turns his head with an icy glare, but otherwise he’s unmoving. 

“Put your hands up,  _ now!”  _ Rosa growls, venom leaking into her voice. 

From Amy’s other side, Jake tenses, springing toward him at the exact moment the perp launches himself at Amy.

It all happens in a flash. Jake dives for him, but the perp side-steps with surprising grace. Jake crashes into the fence as the perp jumps forward. Amy raises her hands, but the man’s full body weight crashes into her, and she feels a sharp pain in the center of her face as she’s flung backward. 

The metallic taste of blood seeps into her mouth, and she spits it out with a grimace as she jumps back to her feet. Her nose throbs, and briefly, she briefly wonders if it’s broken, but there’s no time to dwell on it. 

Rosa already has their perp on the ground, and Amy dashes toward them to slap handcuffs on him, inwardly pleased when he yelps upon struggling against them. 

“Not so tough now, huh?” Amy asks, a little haughty. Normally, Jake’s the one with the quips, but she can’t resist, especially after he just punched her in the face. 

Rosa snorts, and starts to haul him to his feet. “A little help, Peralta? Peralta!” 

They both turn to look at him, and what Amy sees unnerves her to her core. 

Jake’s standing, arms at his sides, mouth parted slightly. He doesn’t look at them, but she doesn’t think he’s really looking at  _ anything _ . He appears as still as a statue, such an unsettling contrast to his normally constant movement and boundless energy. Then, she notices his hands trembling minutely where they rest at his thighs. 

“Jake?”

Amy steps closer, cautious, like she’s approaching an injured animal. He doesn’t respond, his gaze empty. She takes another step, waving a little at him, and he still doesn’t react. He’s taut like a bow, and his eyes, normally so full of life, are empty.

“Jake,” she says again, this time reaching over to touch his arm. 

When she puts a hand on him, he rears back with a gasp, shuffling backwards so quickly he falls on his side. 

Amy drops to her knees beside him, bracing her hands on his shoulders as his breathing grows more labored. He’s wide-eyed, his mouth opening and closing like he’s trying to force something out, but instead of words all she hears are deep, rattling breaths. 

“Jake, it’s okay,” she says, voice shaking a little bit. “It’s okay, look at me.” 

Gently, she presses two fingers against his jaw, turning his head toward her. His eyes finally snap to hers before they dart across the lot, zeroing in on their perp restrained in Rosa’s grasp. 

_ “Amy, _ ” he exhales, clutching her arm almost painfully. “Are you okay? How bad are you hurt?”

“It’s fine, Ja-”

“Oh my  _ god,  _ you’re still bleeding. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t - I should’ve gotten him, I’m sorry,” he rambles, clutching at her arm tighter. 

“ _ Jake _ ,” she says his name a little more firmly, squeezing his shoulders. “Jake, stay with me. Breathe with me.”

She takes an exaggerated breath, nudging him as she exhales. He struggles, but manages to inhale with her on her second breath, choking on air as he does so. He copies her twice more, breaths coming more evenly than before. 

Then, he’s quiet, if still a little shaky. Amy smoothes her hands down his arms as she turns to glance behind her, relieved when she sees Rosa walking the perp over to some police cars that have pulled up and leaving them in relative privacy. She turns her attention back to Jake, who’s gone back to looking at the ground.

He’s sweating, she realizes, far more profusely than the chase should have made him. Slowly, she drags the zipper of his jacket down, allowing him to feel the cold autumn breeze. 

“Jake,” she whispers, nudging him. “Come on, come back to me.”

Reluctantly, he looks back at her, and she can’t quite place the look in his eyes. 

“How bad are you hurt?” he asks quietly. 

“Not bad at all. I’ve had way worse,” she says, trying to be nonchalant. “You’ve seen me have much worse.”

He doesn’t answer, and she doesn’t push anything else. They sit together in silence for a little while. His hand eventually takes hers, his grip iron-clad. She squeezes back lightly, trying to comfort him in any way she can. 

“You ready to go back?” she asks, after an immeasurable amount of time passes. 

“Yeah.”

Deep down, she doesn’t believe him, but when he gets to his feet and reaches for her hand, she takes it. 

~~~

Rosa’s there as soon as the elevator doors open, holding an ice pack and a first aid kit in her hands with an expectant look in her eyes. 

“Come on, Santiago,” she says in a no-nonsense voice, reaching out and grabbing her by the arm.

Jake opens his mouth to protest, but before she can say anything, Rosa’s hauling her off down the hall before pushing open the door to the locker room. 

“Sit,” Rosa commands with a stern look, pointing to a chair positioned in front of the mirrors. 

Knowing she doesn’t really have much choice, she obeys, and Rosa wordlessly hands her the ice pack before popping open the first aid kit. 

“I’m fine, Rosa, you don’t need to worry about me,” Amy says, holding it up to her nose. 

“I’m not,” Rosa answers flatly. “Did you break any skin on the outside?”

“I don’t think so,” she answers, a little absent-mindedly as she looks toward the door. 

Rosa follows her gaze before stepping closer, lowering the ice pack and lifting a flashlight to Amy’s face. 

“You need to follow up with that, you know.”

“I know, I’ll go to an urgent care center later today to get an x-ray,” Amy tries to placate. 

“I don’t mean the nose. I mean your partner.” 

Amy turns back to her sharply, surprised by Rosa being so direct about an emotional matter. 

“I’ve known Jake a long time, and I’ve never seen him that shaken up,” Rosa continues, pocketing the flashlight. “Is he still going to his departmentally mandated therapy sessions?”

Amy swallows thickly, nodding slowly. “Yeah, he’s mentioned them.”

“Is he taking them seriously, though?” Rosa asks, eyebrow quirked. 

Really, Amy isn’t sure. She always asks about them when he comes home, but he’s so good at waving her questions off and changing the subject or distracting her before they can really talk about it. He still has his moments, but he’s been home less than a month, and until today, she thought he’d been adjusting well. 

“I don’t know,” Amy answers, sighing and carding a hand through her hair in frustration. “I really thought he was doing okay, though. He didn’t seem like he was struggling.”

Rosa pops open a pack of antibacterial wipes and passes her a few. 

“You need to talk to him. You’re the only one he’ll listen to.” 

Amy wipes the dried blood off her face, flinching a little when she presses on her nose. The discomfort is mild compared to the twist in her gut as she recalls Jake’s emptiness, his expressionless face at the forefront of her mind. 

As she dwells on it, she can’t help but wonder if he really  _ could  _ be reached right now. 

They’ve always been in sync with one another, even when they didn’t get along. It’s what made them such great partners, but in all the years she’s known Jake, she could never fathom him showing such extreme vulnerability. 

Then again, even after working so closely with him for this long, she’s not sure if she really  _ did  _ know him. Not like the way she does now. 

The idea of him privately breaking down all these years without anyone to help or comfort him makes her dizzy, her chest suddenly feeling heavy. 

“Yeah,” Amy says, voice weak. “I’ll talk to him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, life has been pretty insane lately. I took on a new, demanding job in addition to being a full time student, and it really interfered with the mojo of this fic. But now it's back, and I'm aiming for this fic to be finished before the season 7 premiere!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading. Your kind words and comments mean the world to me! 
> 
> Huge shout out to my beta and friend Fielding for helping me through this, as always. You're the best. 
> 
> Come find me on tumblr, I'm @fezzle!


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